Thursday, March 18, 2010 – 11:55pm
I just realized that the website is not putting the right date or time on the entries so I’ll start doing it myself. Twenty minutes ago, I was in bed, ready to turn in after a long day of class and essay writing. As I lay down; however, I found my mind wondering and could not seem to fall asleep so I will take the time to put down a few thoughts.
Last night, I was feeling very worried/homesick about my upcoming assignment that was due today. I was not prepared for it, I did not know what I was doing, I was angry at the school for not providing adequate study facilities, and I was missing home at the same time. The whole combination of emotion/feeling had made work impossible. In an attempt to clear my head and start anew, I laid down in bed for the purpose of taking a half hour power nap. This obviously turned out to not be what I needed, for I slept through my alarm and when I woke up next, it was 6:30 Thursday morning. Many would think that after suck a long sleep, one would wake up feeling rested and refreshed. Such luck was not on my side; I had fallen asleep with my contacts in with the purpose of waking up a half hour later, so one can imagine my surprise and confusion when I woke up nine hours later, with my eyes foggy and unwilling to open. Dried-out contacts are not fun in any way, shape, or form, and I immediately felt as though all I wanted to do was gouge my eyes out and go back to bed. Alas I could not do that either. Due to my deep slumber, I failed to achieve any of the goals I had set for myself in preparing for my in class essay. So I had no choice but to drag my sorry self out of bed, take out my contacts, and open my laptop to do the readings and make the notes I was hoping to the night before. Being up at such an early time would surely make one want to go to bed at a decent time, no? That’s what I thought, until I could not fall asleep once I hit the sack.
At this time, I really cannot remember what was running through my head while I was lying there in bed (ha I rhymed). Maybe that is a good thing but then again, unless I explore my thoughts now, I may be haunted by the same thoughts once I return and again attempt to fall into the REM cycle. I do feel better about things here as a whole I think. After realizing that the essay was not that big of a deal, I was able to enjoy the rest of my day (not to mention the fact that all I need here is a 50% in all my classes to receive credit at home) without having to worry about the marks I received on it (marks are grades in Australia). The only thing really weighing on me that I have to do here that is actually worth a grade back home is my final for Public Administration – which I have the study guide and books for so theoretically I should be ok but once again, the lack of university facilities in which to do my work is putting quite the damper on my motivation.
Another thing I am greatly looking forward to is my spring/fall break trip to New Zealand (I say spring/fall because back home it would be a spring break but here it would be considered a fall break, as the seasons are flip-flopped). I realized that I will have two days before everyone gets there, and a day after everyone leaves, all to myself without having to worry about having an itinerary. Christchurch is supposed to be one of the most beautiful cities in the world, earning it the nickname, “The Garden City.” Comparable to the United States’ Seattle, I am looking forward to the opportunity to explore on my own for a few days, and to take part in what I want to take part in without having anything planned, the way our family vacations always used to be like.
Several things have come to light for me recently too. For one, I think I may have finally realized that this trip is going to change me into a different person than when I left home. I have always looked at change with a somewhat wary eye, as everything has always been so stable in my life that the slightest disruption would throw me for a loop. While this is not a bad thing (my parents never divorced, I always had the same group of friends I could rely on, I come from a stable community, I went to the same schools while growing up, etc.), it never really prepared me for what possibilities await me in my future. The transition to college alone was bad enough: I was in a new environment with new people and it wasn’t mushy-gushy Holmes County anymore. I am not slamming the ‘Good Ole’ HC’ as it were, merely stating that I feel we are protected from the outside by our friendliness and maybe some naiveté. This experience has been amazing for me so far...I hold no regrets for flying 10,000 miles across the US and the Pacific, but it has made me realize what a great place Holmes County is to grow up in. This is coming from the same person who said they could not wait to get away. While city life is indeed amazing, with everything being just a short walk or bus ride away, there is something about the people of HC that make the isolation bearable. I experience this every break that we get at school and I walk into church or Boyd and Wurthman(sp) and everyone I see is just saying “hey” and “how are you?” and stuff like that. I also see this whenever my Uncle Fred makes his way north for a visit. Whenever our family makes it out into Berlin or Walnut Creek, anybody who remembers him will walk up and start talking, asking how life in Texas is, or how little William is doing (I say ‘little’ here but from what I’m told, the kid is quite the big-boy now...maybe Jill will read this and let him know that I mentioned him on here :) ). It just goes to show that while people from this county do indeed move away, sometimes far away, you can feel that HC is indeed your home, and when you come back, you are home, and people will let you know it.
Well I have now been rambling on for about forty minutes, taking the time here to 12:35 on Friday morning. It does not even seem like it has been that long, but 1,168+ words later I guess the clock doesn’t lie. It really feels good to be able to write like this and know that my words are inspiring my family and anyone else who happens across these writings. I want to end this entry with the following Bible verse, taken from The Message edition (provided by Gramps and Granny); Matthew chapter 16, verses 24-26 (Matt. 16:24-26): “Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. ‘Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?’” Maybe I was destined to read this verse tonight. I really wanted to end this entry on one so I went and got my Bible, opened it up, and this is the very first thing my eyes read. It is ironic that this verse is also very comforting to me at the moment; in this time of finding myself and discovering the role that God has placed me on this troubled planet to play. As all of us try to find our way in life and to discover what God wants from us, the biggest thing we can do is let go! As amazing as it sounds, the only way to discover our true purpose here is to let it all go to God. That’s what I have been trying to do since I have been here, away from all the distractions of day-to-day living in the US of A. Wow I feel really good right now. I want to keep going with this but that would spoil the surprise of everything I am thinking right now. And who knows, there may be a sermon in this someday...
“You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am.” -Jesus
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